The Cardboard Distillery

Your Guide to 'Distilled'

Have you ever wanted to own your own distillery?

Experiment with different ingredients in a colossal warehouse filled with breathtaking stills and stoic barrels?

Chances are that any hope of running your own distillery evaporated the moment you looked into it, HMRC said you need a licence - form DLA1, to get a licence you have an industrial still and purchase a warehouse, to purchase a warehouse you need a warehouse licence, forms EX 61 and EX 69, then you look at your bank balance and wonder if that measly amount could stretch to a few hundred square feet in Scunthorpe and a copper pot, perhaps you even cried as your dream is whisked away.

But what if we told you that there was another way?

You could play ‘Distilled’. It’s a lot like being a master distiller, only far cheaper and you don’t have to live in Scunthorpe. It’s a card game that sees you create spirits of every variety, selling them, and receiving coveted awards. At the end of the game, the person who has made the best spirits wins. And don’t worry - it gets toxic.

Distilled in all it’s Glory (Image: Reddit)

Released last year, Distilled has been extremely popular, and is also fairly accurate. You know when you watch Clarkson’s Farm and think this is just a farming show. Like a weirdly in-depth farming show. Well the game is a weirdly in-depth representation of the whisky-making process. In the first phase you’re literally just buying ingredients, then you build and upgrade your distillery to prepare yourself for the task ahead.

Next is what the game calls the ‘distil phase’ where (you guessed it,) you distil. A board game that is as long, complex and artistic as the real distillation process would probably get old rather quickly, so essentially, you’re just putting all the ingredient and being given a finished spirit in return – unless it’s a whisky.

Because whisky needs to be aged! And they are as true to the ageing process as it is possible to be when everything is made of cardboard. While your gins and tequilas are being sold off, the whisky waits patiently in its cask, getting more flavourful with every passing round. In the world of the game, it increases in value and prestige, netting you more victory points and awards in the final round. As we all know, whisky is the superior spirit – so it’s only fair that it’d be the most valuable! Just thank the creators for not making you wait three years to age your very own golden elixir.

And there you have it – all you need to distil your own spirits. Sure, they’re made of cardboard and would be absolutely vile if you somehow managed to drink them - but you’ve done it. The person who has accrued the most victory points after seven rounds wins the game, which can be done through the awards or ‘distillery goals’ that the game sets you.

So, save your money. ‘Distilled’ will have you feeling like a whisky legend in no time, and for a fraction of the cost. Plus, you get to humiliate and destroy your friends in the process. Don’t you just love board games? So do we…